Things I want for Christmas

-the Canon 5D Mark II
-a renewed Flickr Pro Account
-to sell things on my Etsy
-vintage cameras and/or a fully functional manual 35mm camera
-my boyfriend back in LA
-a consistent photography style
-to feel like I have a home somewhere
-a 50mm lens


But mostly, that you're enjoying a Happy Holiday Season.

I feel an aching like something in my life really needs to change. I'm not sure what, but something. The more I think about it, I think I just need more in my life. I don't know.

Yes We Did.

from Noah Kalina

I think I have determined what I want to be as a photographer, honest. Lately the work I'm most compelled by seems almost too intimate. I think once or twice I've managed to be honest with my work, but it's hard. Laying yourself out to be judged. If a work is wholly yourself where are you left if it fails?

I hope I'll find out.

I wish I could feel like I was a part of something. Anything.

I'm just trying to be okay.

I just don't know anymore, simply put. I'm facing a summer of complexity, of inevitable internal debate. I'm sure external debate will follow as well. I need to decide if I want to talk to my family about John never responding to my letter. I need to decide if and how do I let Alan know how I feel about him.

Days like today I have no emotional stability. Or maybe its a stable discord. I don't know any more. I wish I knew how I felt. I wish I could put words to it, so maybe I'd be able to understand myself better. But all I can do is stare blankly at the wall, computer screen, my hands. I do nothing, and feel it all.

I’m filled with hate as my mother explains that my paternal grandmother thinks my “father” maybe be suicidal. It’s a hate that would take years to describe to you, and I’m not convinced I’ve succeeded in illustrating it ever in my life. To say it gently, he is a weak, and sad man. He abandoned my mother and I twice. That’s the meat of the story. I met him and my grandmother, my aunt, and cousins when I was around 10. He chose to not tell them about me until that point. My anger with him runs so deep in my veins, but mostly I just want an explanation. It’s so hard to grasp emotionally. Cognitively speaking, I know it’s not my fault. But I still feel like I’m not enough. I know that when I break down with Alan, when I gasp for air in between cries, I know it’s because John has scarred me with a feeling of utter inadequacy. At this point I have no desire for a father-daughter relationship. All I require is an explanation. I’m terrified I’ll never get one, and then I’ll fade away, as he has, without self-esteem, immobilized by a father’s inability to show up.

"It was painful for him to try to talk with his mouth, but his hands were always ready to shape the words he wished to say."

For once I want to be the first to fall asleep. I want to be the one who gently drifts into a sweet slumber as he strokes my hair in the most comforting way. I want him to be the one begging me to stay awake a little longer because he just can't imagine falling asleep while I lay there. Just once.

But instead, I sit wide awake, as he lays fast asleep in my warm cozy bed. He fell into sleep as I played with his hair and gently rubbed his back. I quietly begged him to stay awake just a little longer, because it's so hard to sleep when he is so handsome. For the -nth time, I sit wide awake. Waiting for the call of sleep.