I feel an aching like something in my life really needs to change. I'm not sure what, but something. The more I think about it, I think I just need more in my life. I don't know.

Yes We Did.

from Noah Kalina

I think I have determined what I want to be as a photographer, honest. Lately the work I'm most compelled by seems almost too intimate. I think once or twice I've managed to be honest with my work, but it's hard. Laying yourself out to be judged. If a work is wholly yourself where are you left if it fails?

I hope I'll find out.

I wish I could feel like I was a part of something. Anything.

I'm just trying to be okay.

I just don't know anymore, simply put. I'm facing a summer of complexity, of inevitable internal debate. I'm sure external debate will follow as well. I need to decide if I want to talk to my family about John never responding to my letter. I need to decide if and how do I let Alan know how I feel about him.

Days like today I have no emotional stability. Or maybe its a stable discord. I don't know any more. I wish I knew how I felt. I wish I could put words to it, so maybe I'd be able to understand myself better. But all I can do is stare blankly at the wall, computer screen, my hands. I do nothing, and feel it all.

I’m filled with hate as my mother explains that my paternal grandmother thinks my “father” maybe be suicidal. It’s a hate that would take years to describe to you, and I’m not convinced I’ve succeeded in illustrating it ever in my life. To say it gently, he is a weak, and sad man. He abandoned my mother and I twice. That’s the meat of the story. I met him and my grandmother, my aunt, and cousins when I was around 10. He chose to not tell them about me until that point. My anger with him runs so deep in my veins, but mostly I just want an explanation. It’s so hard to grasp emotionally. Cognitively speaking, I know it’s not my fault. But I still feel like I’m not enough. I know that when I break down with Alan, when I gasp for air in between cries, I know it’s because John has scarred me with a feeling of utter inadequacy. At this point I have no desire for a father-daughter relationship. All I require is an explanation. I’m terrified I’ll never get one, and then I’ll fade away, as he has, without self-esteem, immobilized by a father’s inability to show up.