I’m filled with hate as my mother explains that my paternal grandmother thinks my “father” maybe be suicidal. It’s a hate that would take years to describe to you, and I’m not convinced I’ve succeeded in illustrating it ever in my life. To say it gently, he is a weak, and sad man. He abandoned my mother and I twice. That’s the meat of the story. I met him and my grandmother, my aunt, and cousins when I was around 10. He chose to not tell them about me until that point. My anger with him runs so deep in my veins, but mostly I just want an explanation. It’s so hard to grasp emotionally. Cognitively speaking, I know it’s not my fault. But I still feel like I’m not enough. I know that when I break down with Alan, when I gasp for air in between cries, I know it’s because John has scarred me with a feeling of utter inadequacy. At this point I have no desire for a father-daughter relationship. All I require is an explanation. I’m terrified I’ll never get one, and then I’ll fade away, as he has, without self-esteem, immobilized by a father’s inability to show up.